How does one live when ones life is gone?
by fannyh
Summary: Han Solo is dead. His wife Leia speaks to him at his funeral. Please read and review.


**Thank you Geroge Lucas for your wonderful world! I don´t own any of these characters, I just like to play with them. English is not my first language so please forgive my mistakes. Please read and review!**

_Han Solo is dead. His wife Leia is speaking to him at his funeral._

Dear Han.

I remember the first time I met you. You were cocky and rude and I thought the worst kind of thoughts about you. I couldn´t wait for you to get out of my life so that it could go back to normal. When you did leave I realized that my life never would be normal again. Since the first time I saw you, you brought something into my life that I´ve never been able to get rid of ever since. In the beginning I wanted this _something_ to disappear. It made me feel uncomfortable and I had no desire to feel the way that I did. Now, many years later, I understand that the change in my life was that I actually felt something at all. Before I met you my heart was made of ice and I had never lost control. I had always been in charge, especielly over my life. But then you came and changed everything. You did leave but you wasn´t gone for long and when you came back I was glad. I didn´t wanted to be happy because I hated you and you were mean and a scoundrel and you didn´t fit into my life. I had no room for you. But you stayed and my heart began to melt, slowly and without me even noticing it. When I did it was to late for me to do anything about it. My heart had become a _real_ heart and I was swimming in your eyes. You do have the nicest eyes. I´ve always thought that you can see into a persons soul through his or her eyes. In your eyes I could see all kinds of things. I could see the pain caused by your childhood, I could see the scars from your years as a smuggler and I could see the love and compassion you felt for your friends. Many people said that you never let your feelings out and that you never showed what you truly felt. I know that they just didn´t know where to look.

The first time I kissed you it was a mistake. I had dreamt about it so many times and I wasn´t dirty in any one of those dreams. And in my dreams we were at a beach or in a restaurant or some other romantic place, not at the _Millenium Falcon_. I knew that everything was wrong before I kissed you but I couldn´t help myself. You were so close and I thought I was going to drown in your eyes. All I could do was to kiss you. And what a kiss, if C-3PO hadn´t barged in on us I think we still would be standing there, kissing eachother. Since that day you were stuck in my life. You had tried to leave a couple of times before and never been able to but after that kiss you stoped trying. You never told me but I understood that the kiss meant as much for you as it did for me. It changed our lives. After that kiss nothing were as it used to be and I knew that we were meant for eachother. I knew that I loved you. The first time I told you so was when you were about to leave me for the second time. You were about to be frozen in carbonite and I knew that it was now or never, I had to tell you, it could have been my last chance. Your answer wasn´t what I had hoped for. And I thought about it a lot. What I came to understand was that it was so much like you. You told me that you knew that I loved you. After a while it made me rather pleased that you had known that I loved you and still you hadn´t left me. For me that meant something, it meant that we might have a chance after all. The first time you told me that you loved me I answered the same way. I told you that I knew. And I did know, I saw it when I was swimming in your eyes.

You are my life. And now your gone. The conclusion must be that I have no life. I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to do anything and no reason to live. That is how it feel when I realize that I will never see you again. You will never be here to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be alright, you will never again tell me that you love me and I will never drown in your eyes. You made my life a happy life and now you are gone. I can still here your voice and your laughter, I can see your roguish smile and I can feel your touch. How can you be gone when you feel so close? How does one live when ones life is gone? And my life is not just missing, it is lost forever. I know that you would be angry with me if you knew that I had these thoughts and I promise that I will try to make something of this non existing life. Because if it was something you teached me it was to never give up. And I wont, my darling, I will never give up. For as long as I live I will fight and I promise you that I will never give up. But you will always have my heart and yours are the only eyes I can swim in. You are still my life. The memories we have will always be alive and I will never let anyone forget that Han Solo used to live in this world and that he gave his life for me. That he gave me happiness and joy and laughter and everything that is good in life. I will never let the world forget that Han Solo gave me a life to live.

So now I say goodbye, my darling, my husband, my love, my joy and my life. You will always live in my heart and everytime my heart beats I will think of you and remember that it beats only for you, my love.

THE END!


End file.
